What do you want?

You want to stop a codependent dead in her tracks? Ask her what it is that she wants. If you want to kill her outright ask her want she likes.

For months when people would ask me what it was that I wanted from my life I would stare blankly back at them. If they asked more than once, my hands would ring, sweat would run, and tears would pool in my eyes. What did I want? I didn’t have the smallest clue. What a frightening feeling! I could tell you what my partner wanted, I could detail what my friends wanted, I could pass a stranger on the street and know what their mission was. As for myself, I don’t think I had ever afforded myself the privilege of investigating what it was that my soul deeply desired.

For a lifetime, I had masked my eager to please attitude with that of an easygoing, carefree demeanor. I don’t think I had ever considered the possibility that I could simultaneously appease the needs of others and identify and meet my own. How strangely comforting it is to become lost in others.

In becoming lost, in loosing my voice, in becoming numb to myself I had lost my vision. I had failed my own self. During and after The Storm (I may or may not ever chronicle that experience) I became increasingly aware of my need to have a deeper sense of myself. I started slowly, I tried to imagine myself in different scenarios and even in my dreams I felt stunted. My imagination was choked by fear. I had the faith in God that every thing would be okay but I couldn’t make a move toward anything because of my fear. At the root of it all there was a deep fear of failure, a fear of rejection, a fear of the unknown.

There was a day though when the fear of all of those things was overpowered by a want for something bigger than what I was living.  A new understanding was born within myself that to get through The Storm, to rise above what had been delt, and to move forward in my life I was going to have to take chances. I was going to have to learn to breathe, learn to love, and learn to live without searching for approval.

I am in the process of making a list of the things that I want  and the things that I like in my life. I write it all down, from the silly and trivial to the big and heavy. I am learning to identify what makes my soul happy, what feeds the wildfire of love and imagination within. I am taking time to take care of myself. I listen to the voice inside that once was a whisper grow to a deep roar. There is a passionate, positive, wonderful person within and she is ready to be free!

2 Comments Add yours

  1. Ivette says:

    This brings tears of joy and happiness to my eyes…Without fear find what you want….It can be yours!!


  2. This reminds me of the Parable of the Talents (Matt. 25:14-30) where the servant who was given the one talent is confronted by his master about how he used the talent that was given to him. His reply was, “Master I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you did not sow, and gathering where you scattered no seed, so I was AFRAID, and I went and hid your talent in the ground.”

    Fear so often keeps us from using what God has given us to become the person that He purposed us to be. It has crippled saints throughout the history of man. But when we place our focus on Him who “gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control,” (2 Tim. 1:7) we can passionately, fearlessly go after who we were created to be.

    Thank you for sharing this. It is very inspiring. I look forward to hearing more of your journey and will be praying for you along the way.


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