I have had the worst knot in my stomach for a few weeks. Ever since Starbucks started pouring that pumpkin spice latte you all live for I have been succumbing to a slow death. Every Pinterest pin that expressed excitement over “Boots, cable knit, and snuggles… Can’t wait for Fall!” made me shake a bit in my strappy sandals. Autumn, really? The season I used to love the most had somehow become a daunting nemesis.
This was my very first Summer. That sounds odd but in many ways it is true. While you all were in college, enjoying your Spring Breaks, going on vacations, relishing in Summers abroad I was working multiple jobs at a time, spinning my young wheels to get “Somewhere” in life. I was a young woman on a mission. I was a rebel with way, way too many causes.
This year was different. This was the first year that I took advantage of a slower summer schedule and got out of town. I traveled with my family, I escaped with my friends, I sat in silence on the beach alone some days. For the first time in my life I had a tan! When I stayed close to home most nights were filled with activities. I danced, exercised, watched sports, I filled every single moment with laughter. I was uncharacteristically selfish.
I am slightly embarrassed to admit that the change of seasons scares me. I am frightened of what could be behind door three. I have found myself loosing sleep wondering where life is taking me, trying to be one step ahead of any pending disaster, trying to get a jump start on major changes that are going to happen in life. It is almost as if my memory has been completely erased. It wasn’t so long ago that I was in crisis, wondering what God had planned for me. It is as if I forgot the gift of peace, the calm that can be found in simply waiting.
Melody Beattie says in her book The Language of Letting Go that it is okay to not be in such a hurry to move on, that it is okay to “Let today happen. We learn our lessons, we work things out, we change in a simple fashion: by living our life fully today.” How can I be so impatient to understand the lessons in a season to come? It is funny to me how quickly my mind returns to the patterns of trying to control the world around me in seemingly small ways. “Being is enough.” Perspective will come. I do not need to make anything happen, it will all unfold in it’s own time.
So like every other day, and every other season, time will pass at the same rate it always has. I will resign myself to accepting that change happens and that it will all work out exactly the way it is supposed to. I will be present in each moment and allow myself to just be. I do not have to be anything more than exactly who I am and what I believe in. Autumn will be here before we all know it with cooler weather, holiday cheer, and warm cozy sweaters. I will be thankful for that season too, it is bound to have more joy in it than I could ever anticipate.