My inner voice is out of shape. I mean listen to Dave Mathews Band and eat cookie dough unabashedly out of shape. I have made a lifetime practice of ignoring the rumblings inside, the whispers and the shouts that were placed deep inside to protect me from the hazards of the world. As a result I have been in unnecessary danger, been in bad situations longer than a human should, and developed a general mistrust for my own instinct. No matter how strong my inner voice shouts, doubt shouts back “You’re fine!” a decibel louder.
While we are being honest, my outer voice has it’s own malfunctions. While I write better than I speak about feelings, both make me nauseated and sweaty. I make a living listening to others and giving sporadic input. If I do spit out what is going on inside it is usually in the form of a convoluted question. I laugh and smile when I am uncomfortable. I can talk myself out of my honest feelings like a coked out attorney.
Like any new exercise, actually hearing that little whisper, acknowledging that shout, and committing to doing what is necessary to follow that voice is hard work. It is uncomfortable to say the unpleasant but I have found, given a safe audience, the words that sting can also be the words that ultimately heal our wounds.
My soul sister sat me down yesterday and borderline shouted at me to follow my instinct. It was a funny conversation because the more passionate she was about my journey the louder her voice became until her hands were holding the breakfast bar like it was her last lifeline. I realized then that letting the words out and allowing air and space to sit in what hurts us is the only way to heal.
If you don’t say what needs to be said, if you don’t acknowledge the intuition within, and if you refuse to act in a manner that allows for self preservation you leave room for only hurt and chaos. Speak and be heard, the very best people will listen.