A while back I started blogging about dating. I know, I know… Sometimes I just laugh myself to sleep over that one too… Well over some time I have received some pretty cool feedback on those blogs and the success stories that have come from people following my (blind but well intended) advice. This week was especially cool when I received a photo from one of my readers of her incredibly shiny left hand!! I was both honored and thrilled when the text that followed said that she and her man, Hard Hat (I think she can name the puppy now, whaddaya say?), wanted me to know that he had popped the question before they told anyone else because their happiness and love was only due to the fact that she followed these rules like a dating bible. Well, shucks, kids… I am so proud of my reader and her choice to leave a bad situation to find something wonderful. Excuse me while I toot my own horn (that is in no way a reference to my newly single life… just tooting the horn of success, you dirty bird)!
In the past most of my dating advice has been for the ladies. This one is for the fellas. As it turns out, ya’ll need some help too. This one is for Mr. Nice Guy, Mr. Friendzone, Mr. Please Stop Crying at Happy Hour. As a woman in her childbearing years I would like to speak for all of us when I say, in the Nicest way humanly possible… Just stop it. So you think you are a Nice Guy and you are wondering why you never get the girl? Well us women have been talking and we have decided that 2013 is the year we spill the beans. After reading this you will no longer wonder, lament, or pine for love. You will stop doing (or not doing) all of the things we roll our eyes at and you, yes YOU Mr. Wonderful, will have the opportunity to find a woman worth spending all of that positive energy you have oozing from your pores on.
First and foremost, stop patting yourself on the back for being so Nice. My friend CJ told me last night that when the first word someone uses to describe someone to you is Nice, they are probably either boring or ugly. The more I let that rattle around in my head the more sense it made… Nice isn’t always so great. Let your other features shine so that when your friends are trying to set you up the first adjective that comes to mind isn’t Nice. Stop thinking Nice is such a compliment. As a woman, if someone was setting me up and they said, “Hey I have this friend… He is totally fearless… Wanna go on a date?” I would probably go change my outfit and start waiting for my phone to ring. If someone tries to set me up and all they can say is that their friend is Nice… Well… I might be busy that day. Nice is the equivalent of clean or orderly. Those are adjectives that I would seek out if I am looking for an accountant or someone to care for my elderly family member, not necessarily someone to spend Friday night with. Shoot for being adventurous, daring, mysterious, comedic… Really, shoot for being called ANYTHING but Nice.
What women want can really all be boiled down to basic biology. I firmly believe that there really was something to being clubbed and drug into a cave. While, the modern equivalent is much less dramatic and violent the basics are still the same. Men are hunters and women want to be hunted. I know more Nice Guys that sit on the sideline, waiting for things to happen in their lives. GET IN THE GAME, MAN! You Friendzone yourself when you don’t OUTRIGHT tell a woman what you want from her (her phone number, a date… etc…). My brother is the prime example of this. I have repeatedly banged my head against the wall watching him “be there” for this broad. After years of listening to her problems (other guys) and supporting her through whatever shenanigans she was facing he found himself in loooooooove with this girl. And guess what… He found himself chained to the goal post of the Friendzone. Had he been honest with her in the beginning and dated the heck out of her, their relationship boundaries would have been defined differently. Instead, he waited too long. Timing is key, it is better too soon than too late in an instance like this. I once met someone during a very fun time in my dating career. He showed up unexpectedly with flowers, made his intentions known and BOOM I was dating him exclusively. The moral of the story is if you want it, get it. If you wait, the game will move on without you.
If there is one thing I can say that I hate that feminism has taught us girls it’s that we can, in fact, do it all. Modern times and the typical family structure has said that women can be the breadwinner, raise a family, assemble furniture, volunteer, etc all while looking great and keeping up a mommy blog. The secret is, that we don’t want to. Yes, we are capable but what most women are looking for is a man who is one level stronger than she is, a leader in the relationship. There is a formula for where you should fall in the spectrum of character strength and it is stronger than your woman, falling short of DBag territory. You Nice Guys tend to do an awful lot of catering to the whims of women you care about but what I have found is that a strong man knows when to say no. I can say with certainty that no woman wants to date or be with someone she can walk all over, because if she can, she will and POOF, the respect has vanished. Have a backbone, make your manly presence known once in a while. Stand on a table and beat your chest! We will fight it at first but secretly we will find it sexy… Women are cool like that.
I once had a guy friend complain that all the girls he has ever liked ended up dating total tools and he just couldn’t figure out WHYYYYYY? Well, here it is. It is probably because the Jerk did the UNTHINKABLE and ASKED HER OUT (if he is actually a DBag he may have taken that “clubbed and drug into the cave” thing a little too literally but…. ). My guy friend happened to be one of the coolest dudes I knew and it took some direct observation on my part to see what was happening. This guy was the king of the non-date, the one where the lady leaves wondering if it was or wasn’t a romantic venture… Make your intentions known, my friend. I once dated a Nice Guy that let another man ask me on a date IN FRONT OF HIM at brunch. If the date is so benign that a stranger has a hard time telling what is going on, you might need to step up your game. This is one aspect where men and women have a lot in common, we love the obvious. Be clear and straightforward and at the end of the day you will never wonder where you stand.
That concludes our lesson for today, my friends. Your homework is to try your new persona on for a few weeks and get back to me… You know, if you can pry yourself away from your new girlfriend:)
PS: This Thought Catalog had me laughing. Enjoy:) http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/a-field-guide-to-flirting-for-the-socially-awkward/