First of all, I would like to say a big, fat thank you to you guys! I made a deal with myself at the beginning of this silly blog that if I made it to 25 posts with any margin of success, I would purchase my domain for the site. Well, The Art of the Start Over marked post numero 26 and you all are still reading so… I popped some tags on Word Press! Thank you for reading, responding, and for feeding the bears. If it weren’t for you, this would still be a “small, handwritten book” (thank you, Bridesmaids!). So now, without further ado, I present http://www.thehappyhopeful.com in all of its glory!
If I had to do this blog over there would be things I would do differently, things I would have been more honest about. When I started writing I was overly cautious about protecting my dating failures from… I don’t even know what. I fluffed over so many broken topics, maybe in self-preservation, maybe to protect others, I still don’t know. What I do know is that if I could rewrite some of those posts I would.
After The Art of the Start Over my friend who is going through a divorce told me she wished she could be as optimistic as I am. My heart sank when I read that. It made me feel like a phony. I reread posts such as Couldn’t Have Been Better and wanted to gag on the sweetness of it all. What this blog never shared were the horrific bad days after my wedding was cancelled. Sure, I threw a kick ass party on the day I had previously booked for that event. Sure, I genuinely felt so much love to and from the girls I am closest to. Of course, I meant everything I wrote in that blog but it was only the best side of that story, it was the highlight reel. In actuality, I spent months before the breakup sinking further and further into a depressed hole. I was anything but optimistic, I was a drain on my friends and family, I was so far from the happy, hopeful blogger. If I could go back in time I would write a very different version of that. I would tell people in that situation that the happy, the hopeful, the optimism will come. The Season of War is real, but it will end. The same thing is true of You Win Some, You Lose Some. What a terrible recap of a relationship! What that blog didn’t account for was the obscene amount of vodka and red wine (separate glasses) I drank in a week’s time or the fact that I drove my roommate batshit crazy with my random crying outbursts (sadly, that happened with and without the vodka). In an effort to make light of an unexpected transition, I completely avoided the gory truth. In avoiding the reality of heartbreak, I wrote of a rosy breakup that, while people may like reading it, probably cannot relate to. For that I apologize. In the future, I will strive to be more transparent.
My heart nearly shattered this week when a client broke down in tears while telling me about her ongoing breakup with her (ex-ish)boyfriend. She was waiting on his phone call that night. She was waiting to know the fate of their love, she was waiting and had been waiting for months for him to make a decision if he wanted to be in the relationship with her any longer. To an outside party, this sounds absurd. Why would any beautiful, accomplished woman wait on the whim of a man to decide if HE wanted to be with HER? One would think that this wonderful woman would be holding the aces and calling the shots. My heart broke because in so many ways I could feel her pain. It wasn’t so long ago that I was begging to be told I was “worth it”, heartbroken, and desperate to hear that my love was worth fighting for. It is such a helpless feeling to feel disregarded. I wanted to shake this poor girl and tell her how very valuable she is to the world. I wanted for one minute for her to see how wonderful and fantastic she is. I wanted her to see herself from her mother’s eyes, from the perspective of an outside source, someone who could see her wonderful spirit. I wanted her to know her worth.
When KD and I broke up I cried to Aly that I wanted to be with someone who thought I was worth fighting for. She astutely pointed out that no one on this earth could ever validate that enough for me, that I had to know that for myself. I had to love myself enough to accept nothing less than someone who would do what it takes to make things work. I know now that you cannot enter a relationship looking for someone to tell you what you are or are not worth. Your love is invaluable, you are worth every ounce of respect you desire. It looks so obvious in writing, it is harder to put into practice. I am thankful now that I had a friend willing to be a bit harsh with me. I am glad it took less time for me to be honest with myself about what I want from this life than it had in the past. I am grateful for the gut wrenching experience that I can share with this client of mine that I love, that I can empathize with her broken heart.
Know your worth, Sweet Cheeks. You are so very valuable. Don’t wait for someone to stand up and tell you what you are worth to them, know what you have to offer and expect great things from your life and the people in it. If you don’t believe me, call Aly! She will set you straight!