Three weeks have passed since I had a D&C. Though our baby was already an angel, physically loosing our Sweet Pea was hard. We were fortunate to have a wonderful OB, a Navy man with a gentle spirit and a kind smile. He was generous with the narcotics post-op and gave us no cause for concern at our follow up appointment last week. I wasn’t anticipating how long it would take for the pregnancy hormones in my body to drop, and thus for the pregnancy symptoms to go away. Every time a physical symptom changed I felt further from what was, further from the days we celebrated the baby growing inside.
As the days settled in following the procedure I gathered the baby things we had strewn around the house. books and cards, countless sonogram pictures, all depicting the same size baby though they were taken over the course of five weeks. I put all of the baby stuff in a bag by our bed, still visible as I passed it every day. The truth is, I am afraid that I will forget. I fear that nameless baby we loved so much will be left in the past, forgotten and discarded. I spend time reassuring women on a support board that that is not how a mother’s heart works but do I believe it for myself?
A friend of mine reminded me of Psalm 139 this week:
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
I think about a blanket my mother in law crochet for me this last Christmas. I love to wrap up in it because I know how much love she put into it, it is special to me and near to my heart. I have watched her needles move, intentionally bringing string into a beautiful design. It is with that same love that our baby was sewn together, bit by tiny bit in two months. It wasn’t something WE did, but rather a miracle God knit together in a secret place. Our baby was KNOWN by a loving creator before we ever could have imagined becoming parents. God gave us that miracle as a gift, and like my cozy Christmas gift, it will stay close to my heart.
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.